luni, 29 decembrie 2008

The kiss

You let me in your heart
But broke into my soul
All this just when I thought
"I'm through with all that crap"
I thought you're safe,
you were so far away
I thought you're just a dream
and I am just a game to play
was never meant to end this way
was never meant to come to this
your broken heart
my empty kiss
my crippled soul
your dying bliss
I'm just a fake
I played a part that I will miss
My fairy tale is over
I'll leave my lucky clover
on the pillow
and I will go
I've killed another dream
Just when I thought
"I'm tough, I don't need that"
You proved me wrong…
And now
I cry alone.
ps
Forgot to tell you
Not to take me serious

sâmbătă, 27 decembrie 2008

New Year is coming


Christmas is gone
I got to move on

A whole new year
Is waiting ahead

This one will be better…
This time I’ll do better!
I’m makin’ these promises all to myself

I need to be nicer,
I have to act wiser

Swallow my tears
Pull all my shit together
Forget all my fears,
Just deal with them later…








duminică, 21 decembrie 2008

... to know a human heart


They say that you can truly know a human heart, on three occasions: on a rainy day, after losing their luggage in an airport or when decorating a Christmas tree!

I don’t remember where I’ve heard this, but it feels right and I kept it in mind. Now I’m sharing these words of wisdom with you…

joi, 18 decembrie 2008

back to where i've started

" if you are going in the right direction,
then all you have to do is keep goin’ "
proverb budhist

In continuarea ideii de mai jos… s-ar parea ca nu e tocmai bine s-o iau inapoi.
Am senzatia ca se asteapta progrese. Cineva poate argumenta ca progresele nu inseamna neaparat distanta parcursa intr-o directe anume, cat rezultatele obtinute pe parcurs. Si chiar certitudinea ca mergi in directia buna poate fi un progres. Dar ca sa ajungi la certitudinea asta, trebuie sa pierzi ceva timp cautand directia in care trebuie sa o iei, adica directia in care daca o iei exista cele mai multe sanse sa gasesti ceea ce cauti, si m-am intors in acelasi punct de unde am plecat cu cateva posturi in urma… de fapt – trebuie sa stii in primul rand ce cauti!!! Si asta inseamna sa te cunosti pe tine…

luni, 15 decembrie 2008

just a bad day

Today I had a bad day from the start. My computer failed me.
”This is a bad sign” I thought to myself. Then I forgot. Work does that.
And then they failed me…
I lifted up my eyes and looked through the small window in the bathroom ceiling, the sky seemed black while my heart drowned in sadness. It may sound like too much, but felt just like that. I felt as if I was alone in all Universe… thrown through that window, thousand hundred miles away from home… Home?
I want to go back, back to the beginning. Maybe this time I’ll know what to look for!

joi, 11 decembrie 2008

Aries

Self-confidence is what I need, and
Courage to finish what I’ve started
I got Impatience in deed,
by Impulsivity I’m blinded…
Some say I’m Arrogant,
Enthusiastic brat
But still Initiative I’ve got for
Leadership
Opinionated / Stubborn both I am
Powerful , Forceful all the way!
Irritable, yes of course
Straightforward, this I like the most!
And Generosity to payback all the worst.

vineri, 5 decembrie 2008

Frumosul si Adormita din padurea verde…


Se intampla ca, pe cand Frumosul implini varsta la care toti flacaii erau chemati la oaste, lui i se nazari sa plece in cautarea a ceea ce i s-a promis lui din pruncie, si anume “Tinetete fara batranete si viata fara de moarte”… acum daca stai sa te gandesti – viata vesnica e o prostie, dar nici oastea nu era o alternativa stralucita, asa ca isi lua calul, pe care il chema Vasile, din grajd ( dupa ce il servi in prealabil cu o portie de jaratic, dupa care Vasile se scarpina de trei ori dupa ureche ca jaraticu’ da mancarimi se pare ) si o pornira la drum.
Vasile fluiera a paguba… pesemne el mirosise déjà ca era pierdere de vreme calatoria asta a lor, ( Vasile era cu creieru' iar Frumosu cu aspectu’ ), dar ce putea face – el nu era decat un cal! n-avea nici macar o stea in frunte... asa ca fluiera pe limba lui – asta semana a fornait pe nari, asa. Frumosul mergea pe cal… si cum mergea el asa deodata se trezi cu nasu’n tarana – cazuse! Pai cum? Pai pt ca se terminase calu’… avea si Vasile o limita! (ca toate lucrurile bune de altfel)
Frumosul ridica o spranceana din tarana, acu’ ca Vasile s-a terminat, cu cine sa-si mai imparta singuratatea? Totusi in virtutea inertiei o porni mai departe si merse fara sa se mai gandeasca la sensuri si nonsensuri pana ce se lovi cu fruntea de un zid acoperit in intregime cu iedera, ca de aia nici nu-l vazuse si se izbise din plin, iar acum isi simtea fruntea zvacnind, si déjà incepuse sa-i creasca un cucui de toata frumusetea. Frumusetea care este si ea trecatoare…
Oricum, ideea e ca daduse peste castelul Adormitei. Frumosul auzise ca ar exista o fata care dormea pe ea non-stop, dar crezuse ca sunt scorneli. Frumosul ridica si cealalta spranceana… si ce e rau in asta? Sa dormi si sa visezi oricum e mai bine decat sa tragi la oaste, ii trecu atunci prin cap Frumosului ( asta cand ridica spranceana – care functiona precum o antenna, putea capta gandurile care circula libere pe deasupra capetelor noastre si se opresc din cand in cand la unul sau la alta) si se puse si el langa Adormita, patul era destul de mare pentru amandoi, si adormi in scurta vreme. Si dormira asa ... vreme nesfarsita, de parea ca Frumosul intr-adevar gasise ceea ce cautase el de la bun inceput, si anume “Tinerete fara batranete si viata fara de moarte”, ca se stie ca omu’ cand doarme parca timpul sta asa in loc, si corpul nu mai imbatraneste… da’ numai viata nu e aia sa dormi asa in nestire si sa lasi toate cele sa treaca pe langa tine fara a te baga in seama…
Acum m-am intristat, na!

luni, 1 decembrie 2008

“Only grown-ups can have children”


Time is deceiving
Going too fast
Can’t catch up
I fell behind
Growin’ up slow
Not in a hurry to grow
Decline responsibility
Runin’ around unconsciously
White sheets, messed up place
Filled with emotions
My feelings – their toys,
And their feelings – mine.
Can I get more time?
I’m not done playin’ here
Not done havin’ fun!
Play with children, can’t have one…
Got caught in their games
Forgot to grow old
“it’s time now!”
“I know!
But can I play just one more time?”
“They’re your emotions…
Can play them as long as you like.
Just remember they’re not toys
And time doesn’t turn back!”

luni, 24 noiembrie 2008

de la votare mi se trage

As vrea asa sa am un motiv de enervare, un ceva care sa ma scoata din sarite, da’ rau de tot, sa-mi ies din pepeni si sa scot din mine ocari, invective si omoruri… pfffff ti-ai gasit! O lene sora cu moartea m-a izbit , un sictir universal isi face de cap la mine-n cuget, de sa nu ma recunosc. Parca nu ma mai framanta nimik zilele astea, si unde mai deunazi imi doream o oaza de linistire si repaus – acuma parca prea e nefiresc sa te lase nervu’ asa dintr-o data, fara preaviz, fara bilet de despartire… tam-nisam!
Ma duc sa-l caut… ma intorc ori cu el, ori de loc!

vineri, 21 noiembrie 2008

Prin ochii tai

As vrea sa vad lumea prin ochii tai, macar o zi.
Te-as intelege asa cum nici o fiinta nu a fost vreodata inteleasa,
te-as simti asa cum nici un suflet nu a simtit un alt suflet,
te-as cunoaste, cum nu a fost nicicand cunoasterea traita.
As fi in tine, ai fi in mine…
Dar ma opresc din visare… imi dau seama ca nu e ceea ce imi doresc, pentru ca mi-e teama sa ma vad prin ochii tai pe MINE !

joi, 20 noiembrie 2008

Shallow skies



It’s time to confess

I have tried to impress

You. But I guess… u figured that out

By now. Too late… my heart moved on

It now sings another song

Yours is long gone…

Cant make feelings stay

Anyway, better this way.

I’m taking my first steps on life’s road

Away … from you.

Look… the sun is rising…

I’ve never seen this sky before

Not like today… not anymore!

Could be that I’ve grown…

I am my own!

marți, 18 noiembrie 2008

He said…and then she said…

he says:
I never thought it would be so hard for you to give up…
she says:
it's not the game i miss, it's not why i keep coming back
it's a feeling of belonging and...
the illusion i can do anything i want
he says:
hmm
like you said "illusion"
she says:
sometimes that's all we have
he says:
and you are already doing anything you want in real
she says:
am i?
think not

It was a game that got me stuck in my own dream-land for a while… now I’m letting go… slowly…
Parts of me are still in there, wondering in those woods…. Will I ever find my way out?
In order to do anything I want, I must know what it is I want first.
That’s a tough one!

sâmbătă, 15 noiembrie 2008

Fiul de pescar si fata din turn

Traia odata un fiu de pescar.
In vremea aceea o mare criza lovi bransa pescarilor - marile secasera si mai nou pescarii cultivau orez pe fundul oceanelor… asta nu era de el. Auzise ca la marginea lumii mai exista un ocean si plecase in cautarea lui, la urma urmei, ce avea de pierdut? Lui nu-i placea decat orezul cu lapte – iar vacile erau toate nebune.
Isi stranse plasele si p’aici ti-e drumul. Statu o clipa’n loc – acuma incotro sa fie marginea lumii? Ajunse la concluzia ca oricat de mare ar fi lumea, pana la urma in orice parte ai lua-o trebuie sa ajungi la capat odata si-odata… caci TOATE lucrurile au un sfarsit!
Trecura ani, intre timp fiul de pescar uita gustul laptelui si se reprofilase – acum intindea capcane cu plasele pentru pesti, si prindea pasari pe care le vindea prin targuri ca sa aiba cu ce isi cumpara o bucata de paine, o bucata de branza si o cana cu vin. Aproape ca uitase ce cauta de atata amar de vreme prin lume…
Nu mai stim cati ani se scursera cu exactitate pana in ziua cand fiul de pescar se trezi in fata unui turn ce se inalta pe o stanca lovita de valurile spumoase ale unui ocean verde-albastru.
Adica gasise oceanul! Doar ca acum… nu mai intelegea ce anume il facuse sa colinde lumea pentru niste peste… hmm!
Ridica ochii spre turnul cel alb si patrunse in el… urca pe indelete cele 177 de trepte si se opri.
Acolo sus – intinsa pe o rogojina, dormea o fata. Parea ca doarme asa de la inceputul lumii. Fiul de pescar ingenunche si o privi si cum o privea asa i se paru ca fata ii zambeste.
Atunci o atinse… si ea se deschise ca o floare la atingerea lui tremuratoare… vuietul valurilor care se spargeau cu putere si in mod repetat la picioarele turnului, abia ajungea pana la ei.
Deodata, lumea parea toata imbracata-n sarbatoare, totul plutea, toate lucrurile erau pesti, totul parea lipsit de sens si nimic nu mai avea nici o valoare…
Cumva, dragostea isi este sie insasi de ajuns!

miercuri, 12 noiembrie 2008

The Pain

I try to ignore it
Though it never goes away
I came to accept it
This one it’s here to stay
Sometimes I think
The game I play
Is nothing but a mournful way
To push inside
All things gone bad
Along the way…
You are a puzzle I can’t solve
I miss one piece too many
A riddle in my mind
The answer could be any…

luni, 10 noiembrie 2008

Thief Monkey...

Playing tricks
Breaking sticks
Telling jokes
Throwing stones
Eating bugs
Catching bones
Seems to me
Like a pretty good deal

All this
Just for your smile
to steal…

duminică, 9 noiembrie 2008

It all comes down to this

"- We mortals feel too much, hurt too much,
and all too soon... we die.
But we do have the chance to love!
- Do we?"

Elizabeth: The Golden Age

vineri, 7 noiembrie 2008

Letter to myself...

Lately I wake up in the morning always trying to make sense of it all. Useless… the meaning is just not there! Also I find it hard to breathe… pollution! I say to myself…
The coffee tastes like metal, food is no good “go see a doctor!” my friends tell me, which is always easier said than done, who the hell wants to see a doctor?! Hey, does he look like Jude Law? I doubt that!
So, what’s left? Lay down and die? Don’t wake up in the morning… try waking up in the evening for a change… sleep all day, party all night… no, this doesn’t sound like me. But “me” doesn’t work anymore!
Hmm… Need a change, a big one!
Something in the air tonight… a cold wind! Winter it’s coming, my nose froze on the way to work… turn on the heat, make a hot chocolate, turn on PC, check my e-mails, post a few comments, smile to my boss while doing it…
Am I the only one who’s looking for meaning in all this mess that surrounds us? Fuck, no!
But you’re the only one who's stuck… stuck… so unstuck yourself!
“Have a child!” they say… Funny!… like: “Have a break, have a kit-kat!”… my mind thinks backwards: “So, why am I here? Cuz’ my mother needed a break 30 years ago?... Stupid answer, stupid question, stupid feelings of rejection.
Come tomorrow, maybe we’ll have a drop of sun for u then ;)

marți, 4 noiembrie 2008

Approval addict

-ti-ai gresit profesia, trebuia sa fi scriitoare!
-de ce spui asta? Tu urasti scriitorii, spui ca nu fac decat sa scrie gunoaie pentru ca au nevoie de bani…
- nu ma lua in seama… serios, ar trebui sa scrii!
- pai scriu…
- nu astea, o carte!
- am sa scriu… candva, imi trebuie timp, bani… o casa la munte…
zambeste si se uita intr-o parte
- mereu alte scuze
zambesc si ma uit in jos
“deci i-a placut…”

duminică, 2 noiembrie 2008

Red and Blue


he likes the color blue
he says he always tells the truth
she loves the color red
and doesn’t want to be misled
he says he “don’t care”
then act like he might
he tells her nice things
then “forget all about!”
he’s a defender
she’s a priestess
he asks for her blessing
she’s afraid to confess
she cries on the inside
but shows him a smile
he earns her forgiveness
with one single red flower
nice afternoon talks
sharing beautiful thoughts
strong opinions each side
no need to decide.
so thus, red and blue
sometimes blue and red…
two beautiful colors
became purple instead.

luni, 27 octombrie 2008

Futilitate


Sambata am dat ceasurile inapoi. O vaga iluzie ca am tinut timpul in loc un ceas… de fapt, el a trecut indiferent, iar eu m-am ales cu o oboseala prematura si o senzatie de frustrare ca nu pot profita de ora furata timpului…
Daca viata e un vis, atunci moartea ar trebui sa fie o vesnica trezie ori un somn fara vise intr-un univers prin care timpul nu curge.

“…To die: to sleep;

No more; and by a sleep to say we end

The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks

That flesh is heir to…”


Shakespeare. – Hamlet

vineri, 24 octombrie 2008

I'm in love with...


I’m in love with this song
And I can’t move along
Till u'll hear this song…
Cuz I’ve touched your soul
And it trembled with sorrow
I can’t take it back
And it kills me in slow-mo :P
So I try to heal
the pain that took over you
I sing and I laugh
And I’m dancing in front of you
Asking forgiveness
Till my hands bleed from begging you
I never imagined the things that u hold
Deep within you
But now that I’ve opened you
I’m going crazy
just watching the mess I’ve caused
And I’ll give my soul
to take back all the words I’ve said
So rip me apart, kill me, throw me away
All this to have back that one day in May
When everything seemed
To be possible…
And I pray
You’ll remember that day
For the rest of your life
Cuz I won’t be your wife
And you won’t be my man
But then…
we were one!

joi, 23 octombrie 2008

Frozen time


stay still…
don't you feel?
time is melting…
soon,
there will be nothing left
nothing to hold on to
but this moment
and you in it
frozen
in the present tense
for all eternity
with me.
I wonder…
would that be heaven
or hell !

miercuri, 15 octombrie 2008

I used to hide inside an elephant...

First time I saw you, you passed me by, never even looked at me. I stood still, waited for my heart to calm down… till almost stopped beating, and I was afraid I died. But, no… there I was… so I got up, slapped my face two times, and moved on my way, but my way led me to you, and once again … we met.
We talked, I could have said something wrong, I may have been annoying, once more I’ve let you slip away…
The third time… some how I’ve said the magic words that opened you towards me. I wish I could remember them, and keep those words locked, for no one else to find.

I used to hide inside an elephant… used to feel safe there. You said is better than behind a monkey, but you’d rather see me as a turtle, and yet… you were the one who told me that I look like a fish, “a pretty fish it’s true”… a fish that caught you in her hook with silly words.
I keep forgetting... the game we play… I wonder how it’s called...

It's a game, right?...

sâmbătă, 11 octombrie 2008

Purgatory


The place between heaven and hell in which souls are resting before their journey … hmm ...
Seems almost like my room, last night, when below, from the apartment downstairs ( ground floor ) there were screaming and shouting, crying and dirty words flying out the windows ( the elderly couple, living there in sin, were in big shape ). Same time, from the apartment above, second floor, the family of 7 ( 7th heaven lol ) who has taken the “road to salvation” for some time now, was having a religious song night, and the songs were overflowing my walls as I was trying to read Bulgakov’s novel “The Master and Margarita”( ironic isn’t it? ).
Despite the fact that I’ve reduced hell and heaven to infamy and zealotry … the comparison with purgatory still stands.
Infamy attraction which is pulling us down like a gravitational force, while the pressure of righteousness over our heads is pushing us in the same direction…
Seems like we don’t stand a chance in hell to raise, through only our powers, above the sludge of the planetary soup we came from, washed ashore… like shells … we long for the ocean, for the calm…. for the absolute…

So, goin’ down? /:)

marți, 7 octombrie 2008

STAY


Stay… lay down your head and let the dream enfold you…
There’s nothing wrong in dreaming
Nothing wrong in wanting to believe
“For there is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so."
Shakespeare

Brother – Alice in Chains
You were always so far away.
I know that pain
So don't you run away like you used to do.
Frozen in the place I hide
Not afraid to paint my sky with
Some who say I've lost my mind
Brother try and hope to find
You were always so far away
I know that pain so don't you run away
Like you used to do
Roses in a vase of white
Bloodied by the thorns beside the leaves
That fall because my hand is pulling them hard as I can
You were always so far away
I know that pain and I won't run away
Like I used to do
Pictures in a box at home
Yellowing and green with mold
So I can barely see your face
Wonder how that color taste
You were always so far away
I know the way so don't you run away
Like you used to do

vineri, 3 octombrie 2008

Printesa ametita...

Traia odata o printesa, care de felul ei era cam ametita…
Toti cei care o stiau, o indragisera asa cum era ea, si o lasau sa-si duca zilele cu nasu’n carti sau mazgalind pereti, ii mai duceau de patru ori pe zi mancare calda, dimineata – rece, stiind prea bine ca mintea printesei nu statea la astfel de treburi.
Se intampla intr-o buna zi ca printesa sa se intalneasca in ratacirile ei cu un print care o invita pentru un sejur pe mosia lui de basm. Ii spuse sa caute adresa pe net, si isi vazu de drum.
Printesa gasi adresa, lasa vorba ca pleaca pentru o perioada indefinita de timp, isi lua ramas bun de la carti si pereti, si se aventura pentru prima data in viata ei intr-o calatorie fantastica de la care inca nu stia la ce sa se astepte, dar avea incredere in print si mai ales vroia sa mai stea cu el de vorba.
Castelul si mosia din jurul lui erau asa cum isi imaginase, ba chiar mai minunate, dar desi erau pline de oameni, déjà printesa se simtea singura, si se intreba ce cauta ea aici. Raspunsul il stia – venise pentru print, numai ca el umbla dupa cadane prin pesteri, si aproape ca uitase de printesa care ratacea pe coclauri si decapita balauri.
Tocmai sa gandea ca profitase de ospitalitatea printului destul, cand in a 6-a zi intalni un inger pazitor, care nu arata de fel a inger, dar numai un inger pazitor putea fi, sa o invete si indrume, sa o ajute si sa nu se supere pe ea cand era ametita… adica mai tot timpul, insa printesa nu il uitase pe print, si spera la randul ei ca nici el nu o uitase cu desavarsire… si ca poate ingerul era trimis de chiar de el, sa-i tina companie, sa inoate si sa stea la povesti cu ea. Asa a crezut pana in a 20-a zi cand ingerul a parasit-o la margine de oras, si mai era si un pod pe acolo, s-ar fi aruncat, dar intre timp invatase sa inoate si nu vroia sa-si ude hainele si sa nu ajunga la nici un rezultat definitiv…
Insa ingerul nu o lasase de izbeliste, il trimisese pe scutierul lui sa-i tina locul si sa se tina dupa fundul printesei ametite. Probabil ca se gandise si ingerul ca aia nu era functie pe care s-o presteze tocmai el. Important e ca printesa avea cu cine alerga dupa balauri si cu cine sta de vorba cand obosea.
Nu stiu cum s-a intamplat si de ce, dar la randul lui scutierul, intr-o buna zi, isi arunca scutul, isi imparti averea si pleca spre alte mosii care promiteau alte aventuri cu balauri, si fara printese cu toane, depresii, si caderi nervoase.
Pesemne printesa intalnise un alt personaj – era vorba de un vrajitor cu nume de iarba… si ea se trezi prinsa in vrajile lui in doi timpi si trei miscari, astfel ca dupa ce termina cu ea si o lasa in turn, capul inca i se mai invartea pe umeri.
De vrajitorul cu nume de iarba i-a placut ametitei cel mai tare, parea plasmuit ca din visele ei, canta la chitara si desena pe ziduri… era tatuat si fuma iarba, si isi spunea Sativa Majoon…
Si atat de ametita era incat ramasa singura printre salbaticiuni, visa la print, care intre timp alerga dupa cadane calare pe-un cal alb, si credea, isi dorea, ca el sa fie in toti pe care ii intalnea, deghizat si ascunzandu-se de ea prin chiar cotloanele mintii ei.
Printesa ametita si egocentrista care traia cu impresia ca vrajitorii si balaurii se invart in jurul fundului ei, se intalni nas in nas la o margine de drum cu un Lord care vazand-o fara directie sau scop o pofti sa intre in gasca lui vesela unde ii promise distractie si prieteni non stop.
Circumspecta, printesa se lasa greu convinsa, si abia dupa ce Lordul se dadu de trei ori peste cap si se prefacu in vulpe si o imbarliga cu vorbe iscusite, i se inmuie inima, si il urma pe acesta in oras.
Habar nu avea printesa ca urma sa dea printre prietenii Lordului tocmai de ingerul ei pazitor… speriata a fugit si i-au trebuit trei zile sa-si adune curajul si sa-si aminteasca ce citise ea odata intr-o carte – despre temerile care trebuie infruntate. Atunci a luat-o din nou spre oras in cautarea Lordului vulpe, decisa sa infrunte finalul povestii.
Eu finalul inca nu-l stiu, dar stiu ca printul are o regina si nu a vrut decat ca printesa ametita sa se simta bine in castelul lui de basm, iar ea asa de bine s-a simtit ca a uitat sa mai plece… ba inca il asteapta acolo, in turn, pe vrajitorul cu nume de iarba…

luni, 29 septembrie 2008

Level up


That feeling… like the world stood still, and you’re surrounded by the same people, same places, same faces only different than you, like they’ve all moved on and you’re still stuck in eleventh grade, wondering what the hell to do with your life…
but when you look inside, you’re different too – so much more to worry about, so many things are lacking… you’ve outgrown your nutshell, and you know it’s gonna crack!
”We face the path of time “…

It’s time to level up now.

vineri, 26 septembrie 2008

"...ain't LOVE grand?!"

Pe principiul “ce nu ne omoara ne intareste” , ingurgitam cu incapatanare surda toate acele cuvinte si lucruri care ne otravesc, care ne fac rau chiar daca nu ar trebui, chiar daca ni se spune ca nu au de ce sa ne doara… uite ca doare! Si ne miram noi de durerea care se revarsa din paharul cu venin pe care viata ni-l serveste cu zambetul larg pe fata. Si culmea ironiei este faptul ca cei care toarna veninul asta – de fapt ne vor binele! Sau ma rog, vor sa ne fereasca de un rau mai mare si mai al dracu’ decat un junghi la inima si o greata in stomac!!!
Si nu stiu de ce nu sunt in stare sa fiu recunoscatoare atunci cand cineva isi aroga dreptul de a sti ce e bine pentru mine, si de a actiona in consecinta. Poate ca nu vreau sa sufar in doze limitate si din motive neintemeiate, poate ca vreau sa ma iau cu suferinta de gat, care pe care, ori ma termina ori ii vin de hac, si abia atunci am sa ma simt eliberata.
E prea perversa durerea care ti-e servita pe post de remediu al suferintei eventuale.

miercuri, 24 septembrie 2008

Inca...

Las sfarsitul sa-astepte.
Inca mai visez
O minune
Care imi spune pe nume si
Deschide in mine porti nestiute
Carari nebatute …

Tu nu stiai
Ca visele se termina brusc?
Sange proaspat si lacrimi
Ce nu au avut timp sa se zvante
In loc de-nainte
Timpul isi curge acum
Drumul-napoi
Dar nici asa nu e sigur
Ca am sa mai gasesc calea
Catre noi
Catre turnul in care
Ma asteptai
Ma primeai
Ma doreai
Ma uitai

duminică, 21 septembrie 2008

...this is how it ends

Memories consume/ Like opening the wound/ I'm picking me apart again/ You all assume/ I'm safer in my room/ Unless I try to start again/ I don't want to be the one/ The battles always choose/ Cuz inside I realize/ That I'm the one confused/ I don't know what's worth fighting for/ Or why I have to scream/ I don't know why I instigate/ And say what I don't mean/ I don't know how I got this way/ I know it's not alright/ So I'm breaking the habit/ I'm breaking the habit/ Tonight/ Clutching my cure/ I tightly lock the door/ I try to catch my breath again/ I hurt much more/ Than anytime before/ I had no options left again/ I dont want to be the one/ The battles always choose/ Cuz inside I realize/ That I'm the one confused/ I don't know what's worth fighting for/ Or why I have to scream/ I don't know why I instigate/ And say what I don't mean/ I don't know how I got this way/ I'll never be alright/ So, I'm breaking the habit/ I'm breaking the habit/ Tonight/ I'll paint it on the walls/ Cuz I'm the one that falls/ I'll never fight again/ And this is how it ends...

vineri, 19 septembrie 2008

hmm...

I wish you would need me…
As much as I need you.
I want you to heal me
Just by letting me love you.
Try to say the right words
But they never come out
And yet you understood
What this girl’s all about.
You gave me my dream
I gave you my soul
Come down your white horse
I wait by the shore…
Came play with me
One smile, one kiss, one love
For us time stood still
We’re children once more.

marți, 16 septembrie 2008

luni, 15 septembrie 2008

MY MIRACLE?

De cand ma stiu eu pe mine am crezut in povesti, intr-un fel care nu permitea nici o contrazicere. Credeam in spiritul povestilor, in existenta unui univers paralel sau cel putin invizibil muritorilor de rand, in care toate lucrurile minunate din povesti – se petreceau cu adevarat. Tin minte cum intr-o dupa-amiaza ploioasa, citisem o povestire despre niste copii care aflasera cum se poate ajunge in aceasta lume, portalul era banala oglinda de la cuier… bineinteles trebuia rostita o formula magica… ceva gen “Sesam – deschide-te”! Vezi sa nu! Toata seara am petrecut-o pe intuneric in hol, in fata oglinzii… dorindu-mi cu disperare sa patrund in universul despre care citisem. Oare cati ani sa fi avut pe atunci? … nimic fantastic nu s-a intamplat, nici un “portal” nu s-a activat, de suparare m-am inchis in camera mea si am inceput sa plang. Nu puteam spune nimanui ce am, imi dadeam seama cat de ciudat ar fi parut, nu era un 4 la mate ( ca sa poata pricepe si familia ), era o lume care mi se refuza cu incapatanare, desi eu credeam cu fiecare fibra in ea. Ma rog, am crescut… se pare. In buletin se vede cel mai bine.
De curand o minune desprinsa din povesti a aterizat in viata mea monotona. Si desi e prea frumos sa fie adevarat,vreau sa cred ca se poate, cu toate ca … in partea cu printul care vine pe cal alb – n-am crezut prea tare nici cand eram la varsta povestilor. Iar viata in general te dezvata de “prostul obicei” de a mai crede in povesti. Si totusi… poate chiar eu l-am creat, cumva, cu puterea gandului… Vezi sa nu!
Insa orice ar fi – feels pretty fucking amazing.

vineri, 12 septembrie 2008

Beauty & Brain




Beauty it’s a world of its own…

But I’d rather have brain!!!



joi, 11 septembrie 2008

…WHAT’S IN A FACE?

And what’s in a face? Does the way we look affects who we are? … and the answer is yes! Although there are exceptions – in general a cause-effect relation exists between the way others are seeing us, and what we come to be. It’s not fair, since we can not choose how we look, it’s not like in a game...

I feel ugly and old, so ok we all have our bad days, but it’s been centuries for me, that’s how old I feel.
I feel mean and selfish. I feel like I disappoint everybody I meet, sooner or later.

And why should a face matter so much? As long as we are not monsters… but we can be monsters on the inside.

marți, 2 septembrie 2008

Doomed


I feel your EYE watching over me from a far. It burns holes in my pale skin… but as long as I feel it, I know I’ll be safe.

What do you get if you put together two lost souls, a broken heart, a head in the clouds, a killer instinct and a kamikaze spirit all wrapped up in a dream, take away the sex from the equation and spice it up with some questions about all the big things in life?
Could this be FRIENDSHIP? or just DOOMED LOVE …

joi, 28 august 2008

EYE OF THE BEHOLDER


It only took one look.
My eyelid covered gently the
image of you reflected in my eye
My eyelashes embraced it quavering
My eyebrows are a shelter,
They’ll keep it safe from sun or rainy weather

Now, that you’re gone
I’ll never open my eyes again
Your reflection I’ll hold forever in them

duminică, 24 august 2008

Silence is not the way

"You in the dark/You in the pain/You on the run/Living a hell/Living your ghost/Living your end/Never seem to get in theplace that I belong/Don't wanna lose the time/Lose the time to come/Whatever you say it's alright/Whatever you do it's all good/Whatever you say it's alright/Silence is not the way/We need to talk about it/If heaven is on the way/If heaven is on the way/You in the sea/On a decline/Breaking the waves/Watching the lights go down/Letting the cables sleep/Whatever you say it's alright/Whatever you do it's all good/Whatever you say it's alright/Silence is not the way/We need to talk about it/If heaven is on the way/We'll wrap the world around it/If heaven is on the way/If heaven is on the way/I'm a stranger in this town/I'm a stranger in this town/If heaven is on the way/If heaven is on the way/I'm a stranger in this town/I'm a stranger in this town..."

BUSH - "Letting the cables sleep"

joi, 21 august 2008

It's OK to cry

“some rabbits run
some rabbits laugh
some slice their
blackened hearts
in half.”
http://lyricsandmaladies.blogspot.com/

This is not what I had in mind…but soon you learn
you can not control the way people react.
Try to find a pattern in other people’s actions
that will fit your own, but you can’t.
We each apply our different set of rules.
You see him turn away, and you think you know his reasons…
The hell you do!

Yes you can fool yourself that next time
you will know exactly what to do
And keep on banging your head in the window
Dizzy creature, no direction
Makes me laugh seein’ you try
But it would be sad not to…
So it’s ok to cry!

miercuri, 20 august 2008

despre moarte

cred ca fac parte dintre acei oameni care nu se sperie de moarte, care nu tin cu dintii de viata, si asta nu pentru ca as avea vreo tendinta de a-mi scurta sederea pe lumea asta, desi gandul sinuciderii imi dadea tarcoale, cand aveam vreo 17 ani si prinsesem gustul “filozoficarelii” – asa ne ironizam inclinatiile catre discutii metafizice. Chiar ma intrebam de curand care e diferenta intre noi de atunci = “rocarii”suparati pe viata, pe reguli, pe profesori, pe parinti, pe soarta lor, pe blazarea care ameninta sa ne adoarma spiritele incinse – si copiii “emo” de azi?
Sa fie faptul ca la noi era mai mult un sictir decat o scarba, ca noi eram inca in stare “sa ne bagam piciorul” in tot si’n toate, chiar si in cele sustinute de noi, si sa mergem mai departe – ca dovada mai toti baietii rai si revoltati impotriva societatii, din grupul nostru de “rocari filozofi” care ajunsesera la concluzia ca “viata care ne asteapta nu merita traita… o sa ajungem ca parintii nostrii…asa ca mai bine ne omoram inainte sa ajungem sa nu ne mai pese…” – sunt acum avocati, si nu ca sa sustina drepturile omului au apucat calea asta, ci ca sa fie platiti bine sa nu le mai pese! Clar, depresia nu s-a lipit de noi.
Dar am stat o clipa cu moartea la taifas, ne imaginam chiar moduri in care e “cel mai bine” sa sfarsesti, si imi amintesc ca am ajuns la concluzia ca cea mai buna alegere ar fi o cada cu apa calda, si ceva parfum ( pentru impresie artistica ) in care sa-ti tai venele… si am stat o vreme buna pe ganduri, (prietenul meu insista pentru o sinucidere la dublu ) iar scuza mea era ca nu i-as putea face asa ceva lu’ mama! si nu era doar o scuza, iubirea pentru ea era un motiv mai puternic decat orice frica. Toate gandurile astea au incetat odata cu BACul, apoi grijile care au urmat – admiterea la facultate, inainte de asta alegerea facultatii… ( inca mai credeam ca tot ce zboara se mananca si ce faci in facultate – aia o sa ajungi! )
Dar totusi, cat de rar, sau cat de des ne gandim la moarte? La moartea noastra, la moartea celor apropiati – nu la moartea de la ora 5! Si daca ne gandim – la ce concluzie ajungem? Incercam cumva sa schimbam ceva in viata asta? Sa schimbam deznodamantul? Sa traim mai din plin? Sa traim mai cumpatat? Gandul mortii ne face mai buni? Ne face mai nepasatori? Ne inspaimanta? Ne linisteste? Ne da speranta?...
Probabil ca as putea “filozoficari” pe tema asta mult si bine.
Moartea e o constanta, e un lucru bun si nu e sfarsitul! Cel putin asta e parerea mea.

See you on the other side.

luni, 18 august 2008

miercuri, 13 august 2008

Little monkey




Little monkey in a tree
Falling down the chimney
Smoke some weed and danced for me
Up last night, till late at three.


I’ve been watching from a far my life unfold to me … like I had nothing to do with all this mess.
Even though I was the one who provoked all the events, it has everything to do with me, the way I am, the way I look, the way I talk, the way I walk, the way I think, the way I laugh – in all the “wrong” moments, the way I eat my sandwiches every day, the way I sometimes look your way…
Then it hit me: at some point I’ll have to step in, or else my life will pass without me in it.
Wouldn’t that be weird?
Anyway how did I get from “take what you’re offered.” to “ask and you shall be given!” ?
Nothing is that easy. Don’t trust anything that comes that easy. Probably is not good, or is not for me, not mine, not my own… so many senses, only one truth.
When in doubt, just say “No.”.
What about the doubt that comes afterwards, “what would have happened if I have said “Yes.” doubt?

Little monkey in a tree…

luni, 11 august 2008

One night the Devil...




One night the Devil came around, / starts knocking on my door,
I asked him what was all about / he says he came to claim my soul.
I laughed at him, he looked at me
His beauty made me loose my cool
We’ve met before…
The game he played was tricky and untrue,
He said he’ll make you love me too,
I fell for it
But all he did – he made my mind believe is true.
And now I have to give my soul as price for an illusion.
Because you see, the human heart – the Devil does not own.
I told him that,
And asked my right
He smiled and said
“Now don’t be sad!”

He’ll offer me a deal, a chance to keep my soul
I’ll have to make your heart
Some love for me to grow.
His eyes are so unreal…
He’s witty and so cool…
Forget about the deal
The Devil won my soul!

marți, 5 august 2008

Fallen


Breaking point

It seems I’ve got a REARVIEW MIRROR in my head… replaying everything to me, enhanced images of my life so far... looks like a stupid movie, with no plot, bad acting, sad lines, funny circumstances…
and I’m the sole spectator.

I became tormented by the past tense, wishing for a comfortable UNDO button, to erase all the words I never should have spoken, the times I’ve made a fool of myself loving you blindly, the mornings when I woke up in an empty room, dried salty sweat on my skin, cold freezin’ air in my hair…

Thoughts like knives in my head, my brain is aching in re-run. How did I get here?

I was trying to find something lost along the way, but never forgotten…
…try to ERASE & REWIND, I guess I wanted to relive the times I let go of the chance to show you… to really show you… how much you’ve hurt me. But somehow, never enough to make me turn to stone, my heart could still find excuses, putting the blame on me for all the times we fought.

Approval addict … this is what I am.
Afraid to be blamed, by anyone other than myself, so I blame myself for everything.
And then… the waiting…
Waiting for the phone to ring, for another sign, for the rain to stop, for the night to come, for another chance to change your SOUL’s mind (do you even have one?), waiting…for the phone to ring…
Ironically, WAITING became my REALITY.

I should have let go then… just get up and leave, never look back.

Why did I start crying? Who was I trying to impress…
“I wish I was strong…”
“And you think you’re not?” he smiled…
“You are! You don’t know how strong you are…”

…still waters run deep… funny how when your SOUL is in PAIN feels like a PANIC attack… just breathe… climb to the surface and breathe…are you breathing?


The phone rings, but she never answers. Not anymore…

Indifference… worst than hate, colder than revenge.
How much difference does it make … now, that it’s over?
OVER?!
He once said to me that between us there will never be a point “.”, in sense of the END OF THE STORY, but there would always be suspension points”…” sounded like a curse…
And somehow he always succeeded in changing my mind, turning me back around and inside out, every single time.
“Why?” I asked, and all I got in return was “take what you’re offered!” and it sounded cold as charity.
I guess I needed this to put an end to my illusion.
I finally found my breaking point “.”

The phone rings, but she never answers. Not anymore…

Indifference… worst than hate, colder than revenge.
How much difference does it make?

luni, 4 august 2008

O.W. & J.D.



Inca procesez informatia...

duminică, 3 august 2008

Something stupid

Ma tem ca ai sa razi de inima mea,

Si ma tem ca apoi am sa rad si eu de ea,

Mi-e teama ca se va ascunde,

Fara ca macar sa imi lase vorba unde...


Silly girl, what are you afraid of? /:)

vineri, 1 august 2008

High and Low



Desenele lui MC Escher mi-au parut intotdeauna o fereastra deschisa spre o alta lume, o lume in care iluzia devine realitate…
Asta poate nu ar fi un lucru chiar asa de bun in lumea noastra. Probabil ne-am pierde definitiv simtul realitatii nemaistiind care este limita dintre vis si realul-concret.
Am cadea intr-o stare de perpetua mirare ? sau creierii ni s-ar scurt-circuita in fata imposibilitatii de a intelege contopirea miraculoasa a iluzoriului cu lumea guvernata de legile fizicii ?
Limitele intelegerii umane… de ce trebuie TOTUL inteles? explicat? disecat? atins? murdarit?...


De ce ne ucidem visele doar pentru ca nu pot fi mancate pe paine?

marți, 29 iulie 2008

IDEE...


Un INGER e o IDEE...

Despre ceea ce am vrea sa fim

Pentru a putea sa stim

Tot ceea ce noi, aici, nu vom sti

NICIODATA!

luni, 28 iulie 2008

Pearl Jam's OCEANS


Hold on to the thread / The currents will shift
Guide me towards you / Know something's left
And we're all allowed to dream / Of the next time we touch..........
You don't have to stray / The oceans away
Waves roll in my thoughts / Hold tight the ring...
The sea will rise... / Please stand by the shore...
I will be...
I will be...
There once more.........

miercuri, 23 iulie 2008

White Trash Beautiful

“White Trash Beautiful, Trailer Park Queen…
I swear to God it's true/I'm comin' home to you”


Gone on a journey, tryin’ to find myself, get lost along the way, too far to figure me out, I only spin in circles around my inner smile… it seems the closer I get the more I want to go back… I don’t like what’s in there, afraid to face the true nature of things, the essence of me. Is there something like that? Or am I empty, stripped of all emotions, left to freeze in the winter of my soul that came unexpectedly in a July morning…
A thought buried deep in my mind, the thought that there’s nothing left in me for you to discover, nothing to make you wanna STAY…
What makes people stay with each other? The lack of something BETTER? The need to REST? The fear of UNKNOWN?
You know… I wouldn’t want to know the reason why, but my EGO… my EGO… well that’s another story.
Will you come again tomorrow? … I’ll tell you then.

marți, 22 iulie 2008

Profunzimi abisale

Profunzimi abisale ... as vrea eu.
Desenul e neterminat. Era o tema de idei, executia era pe locul doi.
Orisicat, ar fi trebuit sa-l termin, ca pe multe altele din viata mea.
Sau nu neaparat.
Pana la urma eu decid cum vreau sa termin.
Oare?

sâmbătă, 19 iulie 2008

PANTOFII, PISICA SI WC-ul …


Cand l-am rugat pe colegul C, sa imi aduca un pahar cu apa de la bucatarie… m-a privit gales si a zambit cu toti dintii la mine: “De ce? Pantofii tai nu merg?”, mi-a adus totusi apa pe care am baut-o oarecum in stare de soc.

Intr-o zi pisica vecinilor a dat sa intre la noi. Am iesit dupa ea si am condus-o la poarta apoi am revenit la ale mele. Colegul P m-a vazut venind de afara in mijlocul programului si m-a privit oarecum mirat. “O pisica mare si grasa vroia sa intre peste noi… “ incep sa ma justific. Replica lui a fost ( pe cel mai serios si usor speriat ton posibil ) : “Si ai omorat-o ?” …

Zilele trecute colegul M iese de la WC si in drum spre biroul lui se opreste la al meu ca si cum ar avea ceva important sa-mi zica: “Am fost acum la toaleta… si nu era trasa apa! Asa ca … nu am tras-o nici eu!!! Ca sa stii.” probabil ca acum era momentul sa zic si eu ceva dar … am ramas fara cuvinte, ceea ce mi se intampla f rar.

Incerc o concluzie:
Una din doua – ori colegii mei au impresia ca sunt o fiinta insensibila si fioroasa, in stare sa omoare pisici prin curte, sau sa bage cu capu’ in WC pe cine nu trage apa… ori am niste colegi cu un sick sense of humor si tre sa mai lucrez putin la paranoia mea.

Cine zice ca serviciu nu e distractiv ? : ))) si nici paranoia nu e asa rea.
EPILOG 22.07
De ieri avem un superb pui de ciobanesc belgian. Se pare ca nu eram eficienta la omorat pisici!

joi, 17 iulie 2008

No.18


Probably the most interesting journey one can take is the one inside someone’s mind hence my desire to study psychology and understand the human psychic = psihic, suflet, intelect…
In my mind there was a clear line between soul and mind – but the word “psychic” actually means both, so I’ve learned ( someone told me not long ago ) , still my mind refuses to agree and my soul is revolting against the idea.
Only in MADNESS they come together, mind and soul are harmed by the sickness… I wonder, FEAR is a sickness of the mind or of the soul? Same question goes for LOVE. It is clear to me how little I know about these things… and how much I want to get inside your mind, looking for all the answers I was afraid to ask. Throw me the cord that leads to your core. I will follow it !

miercuri, 16 iulie 2008

O iau de la capat


diminetile cand trebuie sa infrunt lumea, par ca pregatiri pentru razboi … niste monstrii imi par oamenii, iar rautatea lor poate fi uneori mai de temut decat creaturile nascute de imaginatia lui Tolkien. Pentru ca e reala, e ascunsa, e inexplicabila si e atat de vatamatoare.
Incep sa ma machiez – ma pictez de razboi, pt a putea infrunta dusmanul cu zambetul pe buze, un zambet fals si fortat de care am nevoie mai mult pentru mine, pentru a ma convinge ca pot intampina o noua zi, ca nu e chiar asa de groaznic totul, un zambet menit sa imbuneze spiritele rele cu care am sa am de-a face in ziua care incepe.
Sfarsesc prin a mi-l insusi, mi-l asum – si in final nu mai este doar fata mea care zambeste, ci sunt chiar eu. Zambesc de bucurie ca uite, parca lumea nu e asa rea cum ma temeam la trezirea din vise.
Seara cand ma pun in pat cu o carte, sunt multumita ca am mai dus o zi la capat, fara sa cedez nervos, si sterg cu buretele ramasitele zilei, gata sa o iau de la inceput.
Pana dimineata linistea serii dinainte s-a evaporat, si un nou atac de panica ma pandeste de dupa usa de la baie. Inaintez in virtutea inertiei, si ajung la oglinda: da, acum imi amintesc, cu fata asta trebuie sa ies din nou in lume, incep sa aplic fondul de ten…” macar paru’ imi sta ok...”.

marți, 15 iulie 2008

unhappy girl


“Girl, unhappy girl, left all alone,
Playin’ solitaire, playin’ warden to your soul;
You are locked in a prison of your own device.
And you can’t believe what it does to me to see you cryin’ “

Jim Morrison

totul e in noi...fiecare dintre noi percepe si resimte altfel intamplari, gesturi, cuvinte, expresii, chipuri … somehow it's all in the EYE OF THE BEHOLDER ... interpretam si reinterpretam scenarii in care realitatea cu greu se mai regaseste.
Supusa unui proces de rememorare afectiva, realitatea devine un scenariu personal menit sa ne justifice cele mai absurde reactii, cele mai deviate concluzii, sa ne alimenteze cele mai intime fantezii…

"we live in our minds anyway..." in final important este ceea ce credem ca resimtim.

“Locked in a prison of your own device…”

duminică, 13 iulie 2008

cheia intelepciunii...

"... in adancimea sufletului sau gaseste acolo pe ATMAN, lumea cea adevarata unde nu e deosebire intre ce a fost si ce va fi, intre ce este si ce pare a fi, caci numai mintea omeneasca, neputincioasa de a cuprinde tot, a nascocit impartirile care sunt pricina tuturor neintelegerilor. Inima omului dezleaga usor toate tainele.
Inima e cheia intelepciunii."

Adam si Eva
Liviu Rebreanu

vineri, 11 iulie 2008

STEADY SHE GOES



The human heart – can survive the most withering words, the most violent punches, the highs and the lows, love and hate, wonder and shit!
It grows stronger, or it thickens – but it won’t die, not because of the hurt it gets, even when we feel like we can’t take it anymore, it keeps beating …
I’m tired of this stubbornness of the HEART.
I feel like sleeping for a hundred years, like hiding myself in a hole…
They say “THE HEART HAS REASONS WHICH REASON DOES NOT KNOW!”
It’s not healthy to be ashamed of what your heart is feeling.
So why do I?
Bitter taste in my mouth, something like poison in my soul, a trigger in my mind – so in the end I am but a weapon of REVENGE against all HOPE.
blackness… madness… the edge of reason… nothingness…
… and still the HEART keeps beating its own tune.
STEADY SHE GOES…










PS in engleza inima este de genul masculin,
dar cumva imi este peste putinta sa ma gandesc in felul asta la inima mea.

joi, 10 iulie 2008

Just free love

"If you've been hiding from love/If you've been hiding from love/I can understand where you're coming from/I can understand where you're coming from/If you've suffered enough/If you've suffered enough/I can understand what you're thinking of/I can see the pain that you're frightened of/And I'm only here/To bring you free love/Let's make it clear/That this is free love/No hidden catch/No strings attached/Just free love/No hidden catch/No strings attached/Just free love/I've been running like you/I've been running like you/Now you understand why I'm running scared/Now you understand why I'm running scared/I've been searching for truth/I've been searching for truth/And I haven't been getting anywhere/No I haven't been getting anywhere/And I'm only here/To bring you free love/Let's make it clear/That this is free love/No hidden catch/No strings attached/Just free love/No hidden catch/No strings attached/Just free love/Hey girl/You've got to take this moment/Then let it slip away/Let go of complicated feelings/Then there's no price to pay/We've been running from love/We've been running from love/And we don't know what we're doing here/No we don't know what we're doing here/We're only here/Sharing our free love/Let's make it clear/That this is free love/No hidden catch/No strings attached/Just free love/No hidden catch/No strings attached/Just free love..." DM

JOKE’S ON ME

... exista momente, stari, dispozitii ale sufletului cand simt nevoia sa spun poate mai mult decat e cazul, vreau sa cred ca e totusi mai mult decat o betie de cuvinte, sunt adevaruri impachetate in fraze pe alocuri incoerente… apoi e suficient o secunda in care adevarul se rupe, in care devin constienta impotriva vointei mele si atunci suspend momentul de sinceritate cu o gluma, ca si cum autoironia ar fi singurul refugiu in care ma pot retrage sa-mi ling orgoliul zgariat.
Si imi pare ca raman tinand in maini un glob intact si rece de sticla in care ma oglindesc in imagini deformate - orgoliul meu, intr-o camera goala care e inima mea…

everybody’s invited in for a laugh… and in the end – the joke’s on me.

Oau, am scos-o!

marți, 8 iulie 2008

Dark as coffee, cold as charity



My heart is dying, I suppose...

like a wounded animal, left to die at the side of the road.

That’s where this pain comes from.

Guess you didn’t care…

I don’t remember the exact moment when you started to slip away.

Would it make any difference if I did?

The night was dark and it stood still like a frozen picture of despair.
The bed was cold, so cold … when I’ve climbed in it; between its sheets I’ve searched for a trace of your warmth, for the smell of your body, trying to remember how it felt when I had your love to shelter me.
Did I?
Or was I just fooling myself that your arms across my body, my legs wrapped around yours = LOVE?

...

Am vazut acum ceva vreme un film, “It’s All About Love”- Joaquin Phoenix, Sean Penn, ratacind intr-un viitor nu atat de indepartat, in care totul pare la fel, totul pare normal, desi oamenii sunt clonati … cel putin unii dintre ei, si in loc de incalzire globala se confruntau cu un fenomen de inghet care punea stapanire pe planeta, lasand totul fara suflare, ninsoare in iulie , iar oamenii… oamenii mureau pe capete, mureau pe strada, cadeau din picioare, inimile le incetau subit sa bata, lipsite de caldura dragostei si ei mureau in tacerea singuratatii lor.

Asta era in fond si ideea filmului - ca “daca dragoste nu e, nimik nu e!” – cum zicea Marin Preda. O lume fara dragoste – e o lume moarta, inghetata…

Dintre toate universurile posibile – il aleg pe acela in care sufletele noastre sunt pereche.

Lucruri neterminate...


E ceva cu lucrurile neterminate,
o senzatie suspendata,
o incremenire fortata a timpului,
o prelungire a momentului prezent.

Ca si cum daca as lasa ganduri nearticulate, desene neterminate, carti necitite pana la capat, gesturi frante … timpul s-ar opri pentru mine
ca sa duc la capat toate cele neterminate.
Iluzia nemuririi…

luni, 7 iulie 2008

Fucked up


Someone once asked “What is the most REAL thing you know?”

I thought about it and answered: Emotions!
I asked the same question to someone else, and he answered: Waiting…

Then I asked my self – was he more right than I? Was I shallow? Chasing after quick thrills instead of building solid ground relationships …

In the end I came to believe that we were just different – I felt more, he was expecting more! I was living in a dream, going from one emotion to the next, not being truly alive between them, while he was dealing with what we call reality!
I think I still love him, though it hurts, but PAIN is also an emotion… maybe I use to love how it felt when he was hurting me. Maybe I did not have the courage to move on. Coward!

He still expects too much from me pushing me over the edge, testing my limits in every possible direction. Like he's waiting for me to crack - or to give up. I don't think he cares eather way...

Silly girl, hoping time will change things for the better. It never does!

What is more fucked up? To love to feel, or to refrain your feelings towards someone who doesn’t love you back?

duminică, 6 iulie 2008

The Distance To Here



... sau cum am ajuns aici, pe pagina propriului meu blog, incercand sa imi adorm demonii, sa scap de refulari, sa depasesc trecutul si sa imi asum VIATA.

Nu am sa incep cu inceputul, nici nu promit ca am sa am curajul si puterea sa ma intorc inapoi si sa caut motivele pentru care... am ajuns aici.


"love will lead us...
we meet again /it's like we never left /time in between was just a dream /did we leave this place?this crazy fog surrounds me / you wrap your legs around me /all I can do to try and breathe / let me breathe ...

---
life is like a shooting star / it don't matter who you are /if you only run for cover, it's just a waste of time. we are lost 'til we are found
---
I've been to pretty buildings, all in search of you
I have lit all the candles, sat in all the pews / the desert had been done before, but I didn't even care /I got sand in both my shoes and scorpions in my hair.
I saw that...
oh the distance is not do-able in these bodies of clay ..."

E. Kowalczyk
LIVE - "The Distance To Here"

Sper ca nu voi fi singura in aceasta calatorie introspectiva.


ENJOY THE RIDE