marți, 5 august 2008

Fallen


Breaking point

It seems I’ve got a REARVIEW MIRROR in my head… replaying everything to me, enhanced images of my life so far... looks like a stupid movie, with no plot, bad acting, sad lines, funny circumstances…
and I’m the sole spectator.

I became tormented by the past tense, wishing for a comfortable UNDO button, to erase all the words I never should have spoken, the times I’ve made a fool of myself loving you blindly, the mornings when I woke up in an empty room, dried salty sweat on my skin, cold freezin’ air in my hair…

Thoughts like knives in my head, my brain is aching in re-run. How did I get here?

I was trying to find something lost along the way, but never forgotten…
…try to ERASE & REWIND, I guess I wanted to relive the times I let go of the chance to show you… to really show you… how much you’ve hurt me. But somehow, never enough to make me turn to stone, my heart could still find excuses, putting the blame on me for all the times we fought.

Approval addict … this is what I am.
Afraid to be blamed, by anyone other than myself, so I blame myself for everything.
And then… the waiting…
Waiting for the phone to ring, for another sign, for the rain to stop, for the night to come, for another chance to change your SOUL’s mind (do you even have one?), waiting…for the phone to ring…
Ironically, WAITING became my REALITY.

I should have let go then… just get up and leave, never look back.

Why did I start crying? Who was I trying to impress…
“I wish I was strong…”
“And you think you’re not?” he smiled…
“You are! You don’t know how strong you are…”

…still waters run deep… funny how when your SOUL is in PAIN feels like a PANIC attack… just breathe… climb to the surface and breathe…are you breathing?


The phone rings, but she never answers. Not anymore…

Indifference… worst than hate, colder than revenge.
How much difference does it make … now, that it’s over?
OVER?!
He once said to me that between us there will never be a point “.”, in sense of the END OF THE STORY, but there would always be suspension points”…” sounded like a curse…
And somehow he always succeeded in changing my mind, turning me back around and inside out, every single time.
“Why?” I asked, and all I got in return was “take what you’re offered!” and it sounded cold as charity.
I guess I needed this to put an end to my illusion.
I finally found my breaking point “.”

The phone rings, but she never answers. Not anymore…

Indifference… worst than hate, colder than revenge.
How much difference does it make?

6 comentarii:

joaquin carvel spunea...

This is powerful stuff....balanced...makes me wish I could read them all.

Silly Girl spunea...

Thank you for "balanced", makes me think there's hope for me yet.

joaquin carvel spunea...

of course - there is always hope. for all of us. though i suspect you don't think you're as good as you are - which is ok - if it gives a push.

thank you for all of your kind & encouraging words - for digging that far back - and your description of them (even though some fall short) is probably better than anything i could come up with.

also, i forgot to mention this before - thank you for hearing the music :)

jc

Silly Girl spunea...

:) I hear it still...

I just realized something - when I've said that "there's hope for me yet" - I was thinking more like hope for my mental helth to be restored :)) I tend to be "funny" this way, on my account.
Thanks for your words. Made me feel so good.

beausergent spunea...

ei, uite! eşti o campioană a introspecţiei, pe'onoarea mea. poate ar trebui sa ai grijă.

Silly Girl spunea...

.. prea tarziu! :)