IDEE...

Un INGER e o IDEE...

Despre ceea ce am vrea sa fim

Pentru a putea sa stim

Tot ceea ce noi, aici, nu vom sti

NICIODATA!

Pearl Jam's OCEANS

Hold on to the thread / The currents will shift

Guide me towards you / Know something's left

And we're all allowed to dream / Of the next time we touch..........

You don't have to stray / The oceans away

Waves roll in my thoughts / Hold tight the ring...

The sea will rise... / Please stand by the shore...

I will be...

I will be...

There once more.........

White Trash Beautiful

“White Trash Beautiful, Trailer Park Queen…

I swear to God it's true/I'm comin' home to you”

Gone on a journey, tryin’ to find myself, get lost along the way, too far to figure me out, I only spin in circles around my inner smile… it seems the closer I get the more I want to go back… I don’t like what’s in there, afraid to face the true nature of things, the essence of me. Is there something like that? Or am I empty, stripped of all emotions, left to freeze in the winter of my soul that came unexpectedly in a July morning…
A thought buried deep in my mind, the thought that there’s nothing left in me for you to discover, nothing to make you wanna STAY…
What makes people stay with each other? The lack of something BETTER? The need to REST? The fear of UNKNOWN?
You know… I wouldn’t want to know the reason why, but my EGO… my EGO… well that’s another story.
Will you come again tomorrow? … I’ll tell you then.

Profunzimi abisale

Profunzimi abisale ... as vrea eu.
Desenul e neterminat. Era o tema de idei, executia era pe locul doi.

Orisicat, ar fi trebuit sa-l termin, ca pe multe altele din viata mea.
Sau nu neaparat.

Pana la urma eu decid cum vreau sa termin.

Oare?

PANTOFII, PISICA SI WC-ul …

Cand l-am rugat pe colegul C, sa imi aduca un pahar cu apa de la bucatarie… m-a privit gales si a zambit cu toti dintii la mine: “De ce? Pantofii tai nu merg?”, mi-a adus totusi apa pe care am baut-o oarecum in stare de soc.

Intr-o zi pisica vecinilor a dat sa intre la noi. Am iesit dupa ea si am condus-o la poarta apoi am revenit la ale mele. Colegul P m-a vazut venind de afara in mijlocul programului si m-a privit oarecum mirat. “O pisica mare si grasa vroia sa intre peste noi… “ incep sa ma justific. Replica lui a fost ( pe cel mai serios si usor speriat ton posibil ) : “Si ai omorat-o ?” …

Zilele trecute colegul M iese de la WC si in drum spre biroul lui se opreste la al meu ca si cum ar avea ceva important sa-mi zica: “Am fost acum la toaleta… si nu era trasa apa! Asa ca … nu am tras-o nici eu!!! Ca sa stii.” probabil ca acum era momentul sa zic si eu ceva dar … am ramas fara cuvinte, ceea ce mi se intampla f rar.

Incerc o concluzie:
Una din doua – ori colegii mei au impresia ca sunt o fiinta insensibila si fioroasa, in stare sa omoare pisici prin curte, sau sa bage cu capu’ in WC pe cine nu trage apa… ori am niste colegi cu un sick sense of humor si tre sa mai lucrez putin la paranoia mea.

Cine zice ca serviciu nu e distractiv ? : ))) si nici paranoia nu e asa rea.

EPILOG 22.07

De ieri avem un superb pui de ciobanesc belgian. Se pare ca nu eram eficienta la omorat pisici!

No.18

Probably the most interesting journey one can take is the one inside someone’s mind hence my desire to study psychology and understand the human psychic = psihic, suflet, intelect…
In my mind there was a clear line between soul and mind – but the word “psychic” actually means both, so I’ve learned ( someone told me not long ago ) , still my mind refuses to agree and my soul is revolting against the idea.
Only in MADNESS they come together, mind and soul are harmed by the sickness… I wonder, FEAR is a sickness of the mind or of the soul? Same question goes for LOVE. It is clear to me how little I know about these things… and how much I want to get inside your mind, looking for all the answers I was afraid to ask. Throw me the cord that leads to your core. I will follow it !

O iau de la capat

diminetile cand trebuie sa infrunt lumea, par ca pregatiri pentru razboi … niste monstrii imi par oamenii, iar rautatea lor poate fi uneori mai de temut decat creaturile nascute de imaginatia lui Tolkien. Pentru ca e reala, e ascunsa, e inexplicabila si e atat de vatamatoare.
Incep sa ma machiez – ma pictez de razboi, pt a putea infrunta dusmanul cu zambetul pe buze, un zambet fals si fortat de care am nevoie mai mult pentru mine, pentru a ma convinge ca pot intampina o noua zi, ca nu e chiar asa de groaznic totul, un zambet menit sa imbuneze spiritele rele cu care am sa am de-a face in ziua care incepe.
Sfarsesc prin a mi-l insusi, mi-l asum – si in final nu mai este doar fata mea care zambeste, ci sunt chiar eu. Zambesc de bucurie ca uite, parca lumea nu e asa rea cum ma temeam la trezirea din vise.
Seara cand ma pun in pat cu o carte, sunt multumita ca am mai dus o zi la capat, fara sa cedez nervos, si sterg cu buretele ramasitele zilei, gata sa o iau de la inceput.
Pana dimineata linistea serii dinainte s-a evaporat, si un nou atac de panica ma pandeste de dupa usa de la baie. Inaintez in virtutea inertiei, si ajung la oglinda: da, acum imi amintesc, cu fata asta trebuie sa ies din nou in lume, incep sa aplic fondul de ten…” macar paru’ imi sta ok...”.

unhappy girl

“Girl, unhappy girl, left all alone,
Playin’ solitaire, playin’ warden to your soul;
You are locked in a prison of your own device.
And you can’t believe what it does to me to see you cryin’ “

Jim Morrison

totul e in noi...fiecare dintre noi percepe si resimte altfel intamplari, gesturi, cuvinte, expresii, chipuri … somehow it's all in the EYE OF THE BEHOLDER ... interpretam si reinterpretam scenarii in care realitatea cu greu se mai regaseste.
Supusa unui proces de rememorare afectiva, realitatea devine un scenariu personal menit sa ne justifice cele mai absurde reactii, cele mai deviate concluzii, sa ne alimenteze cele mai intime fantezii…

"we live in our minds anyway..." in final important este ceea ce credem ca resimtim.

“Locked in a prison of your own device…”

cheia intelepciunii...

"... in adancimea sufletului sau gaseste acolo pe ATMAN, lumea cea adevarata unde nu e deosebire intre ce a fost si ce va fi, intre ce este si ce pare a fi, caci numai mintea omeneasca, neputincioasa de a cuprinde tot, a nascocit impartirile care sunt pricina tuturor neintelegerilor. Inima omului dezleaga usor toate tainele.
Inima e cheia intelepciunii."

Adam si Eva
Liviu Rebreanu

STEADY SHE GOES

The human heart – can survive the most withering words, the most violent punches, the highs and the lows, love and hate, wonder and shit!
It grows stronger, or it thickens – but it won’t die, not because of the hurt it gets, even when we feel like we can’t take it anymore, it keeps beating …
I’m tired of this stubbornness of the HEART.
I feel like sleeping for a hundred years, like hiding myself in a hole…
They say “THE HEART HAS REASONS WHICH REASON DOES NOT KNOW!”
It’s not healthy to be ashamed of what your heart is feeling.
So why do I?
Bitter taste in my mouth, something like poison in my soul, a trigger in my mind – so in the end I am but a weapon of REVENGE against all HOPE.
blackness… madness… the edge of reason… nothingness…
… and still the HEART keeps beating its own tune.
STEADY SHE GOES…










PS in engleza inima este de genul masculin,
dar cumva imi este peste putinta sa ma gandesc in felul asta la inima mea.

Just free love

"If you've been hiding from love/If you've been hiding from love/I can understand where you're coming from/I can understand where you're coming from/If you've suffered enough/If you've suffered enough/I can understand what you're thinking of/I can see the pain that you're frightened of/And I'm only here/To bring you free love/Let's make it clear/That this is free love/No hidden catch/No strings attached/Just free love/No hidden catch/No strings attached/Just free love/I've been running like you/I've been running like you/Now you understand why I'm running scared/Now you understand why I'm running scared/I've been searching for truth/I've been searching for truth/And I haven't been getting anywhere/No I haven't been getting anywhere/And I'm only here/To bring you free love/Let's make it clear/That this is free love/No hidden catch/No strings attached/Just free love/No hidden catch/No strings attached/Just free love/Hey girl/You've got to take this moment/Then let it slip away/Let go of complicated feelings/Then there's no price to pay/We've been running from love/We've been running from love/And we don't know what we're doing here/No we don't know what we're doing here/We're only here/Sharing our free love/Let's make it clear/That this is free love/No hidden catch/No strings attached/Just free love/No hidden catch/No strings attached/Just free love..." DM

JOKE’S ON ME

... exista momente, stari, dispozitii ale sufletului cand simt nevoia sa spun poate mai mult decat e cazul, vreau sa cred ca e totusi mai mult decat o betie de cuvinte, sunt adevaruri impachetate in fraze pe alocuri incoerente… apoi e suficient o secunda in care adevarul se rupe, in care devin constienta impotriva vointei mele si atunci suspend momentul de sinceritate cu o gluma, ca si cum autoironia ar fi singurul refugiu in care ma pot retrage sa-mi ling orgoliul zgariat.
Si imi pare ca raman tinand in maini un glob intact si rece de sticla in care ma oglindesc in imagini deformate - orgoliul meu, intr-o camera goala care e inima mea…

everybody’s invited in for a laugh… and in the end – the joke’s on me.

Oau, am scos-o!

Dark as coffee, cold as charity

My heart is dying, I suppose...

like a wounded animal, left to die at the side of the road.

That’s where this pain comes from.

Guess you didn’t care…

I don’t remember the exact moment when you started to slip away.

Would it make any difference if I did?

The night was dark and it stood still like a frozen picture of despair.
The bed was cold, so cold … when I’ve climbed in it; between its sheets I’ve searched for a trace of your warmth, for the smell of your body, trying to remember how it felt when I had your love to shelter me.
Did I?
Or was I just fooling myself that your arms across my body, my legs wrapped around yours = LOVE?

...

Am vazut acum ceva vreme un film, “It’s All About Love”- Joaquin Phoenix, Sean Penn, ratacind intr-un viitor nu atat de indepartat, in care totul pare la fel, totul pare normal, desi oamenii sunt clonati … cel putin unii dintre ei, si in loc de incalzire globala se confruntau cu un fenomen de inghet care punea stapanire pe planeta, lasand totul fara suflare, ninsoare in iulie , iar oamenii… oamenii mureau pe capete, mureau pe strada, cadeau din picioare, inimile le incetau subit sa bata, lipsite de caldura dragostei si ei mureau in tacerea singuratatii lor.

Asta era in fond si ideea filmului - ca “daca dragoste nu e, nimik nu e!” – cum zicea Marin Preda. O lume fara dragoste – e o lume moarta, inghetata…

Dintre toate universurile posibile – il aleg pe acela in care sufletele noastre sunt pereche.

Lucruri neterminate...

E ceva cu lucrurile neterminate,

o senzatie suspendata,

o incremenire fortata a timpului,

o prelungire a momentului prezent.

Ca si cum daca as lasa ganduri nearticulate, desene neterminate, carti necitite pana la capat, gesturi frante … timpul s-ar opri pentru mine

ca sa duc la capat toate cele neterminate.

Iluzia nemuririi…

Fucked up

Someone once asked “What is the most REAL thing you know?”

I thought about it and answered: Emotions!
I asked the same question to someone else, and he answered: Waiting…

Then I asked my self – was he more right than I? Was I shallow? Chasing after quick thrills instead of building solid ground relationships …

In the end I came to believe that we were just different – I felt more, he was expecting more! I was living in a dream, going from one emotion to the next, not being truly alive between them, while he was dealing with what we call reality!
I think I still love him, though it hurts, but PAIN is also an emotion… maybe I use to love how it felt when he was hurting me. Maybe I did not have the courage to move on. Coward!

He still expects too much from me pushing me over the edge, testing my limits in every possible direction. Like he's waiting for me to crack - or to give up. I don't think he cares eather way...

Silly girl, hoping time will change things for the better. It never does!

What is more fucked up? To love to feel, or to refrain your feelings towards someone who doesn’t love you back?

The Distance To Here

... sau cum am ajuns aici, pe pagina propriului meu blog, incercand sa imi adorm demonii, sa scap de refulari, sa depasesc trecutul si sa imi asum VIATA.

Nu am sa incep cu inceputul, nici nu promit ca am sa am curajul si puterea sa ma intorc inapoi si sa caut motivele pentru care... am ajuns aici.


"love will lead us...
we meet again /it's like we never left /time in between was just a dream /did we leave this place?this crazy fog surrounds me / you wrap your legs around me /all I can do to try and breathe / let me breathe ...

---
life is like a shooting star / it don't matter who you are /if you only run for cover, it's just a waste of time. we are lost 'til we are found
---
I've been to pretty buildings, all in search of you

I have lit all the candles, sat in all the pews / the desert had been done before, but I didn't even care /I got sand in both my shoes and scorpions in my hair.
I saw that...
oh the distance is not do-able in these bodies of clay ..."

E. Kowalczyk
LIVE - "The Distance To Here"

Sper ca nu voi fi singura in aceasta calatorie introspectiva.

ENJOY THE RIDE